my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
