I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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