omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
