cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
