Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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