gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
