he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
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