i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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