he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
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