You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
