mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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