I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
