I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
