I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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