he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
