I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
