Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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