There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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