Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
