that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
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