I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
