By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
