I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I did not marry a roomba.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
