Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
