I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
