I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
