I cockslap morals
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
