The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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