Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
