party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
