She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
