I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
