You don't have asthma, your pregnant
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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