I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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