come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Randomize
