god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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