This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
