Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
