i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
