I didn't shave. On purpose
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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