so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
