Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
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