I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
