Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
