I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
