When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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