they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
whose ass print is on the piano?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
