I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Every concussion has its silver lining
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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