dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
don't judge my taste in strippers
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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