My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
