awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
tequila makes me forget i have legs
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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